The Stories We Tell Ourselves
Every day, our minds tell us stories—about who we are, what we deserve, and what our future holds. Sometimes these stories lift us up, but often, they hold us back. In her latest book Rising Strong, the author Brené Brown teaches us how to recognize these internal narratives and change them, especially when they’re false or harmful.
The Natural Instinct to Create Stories
It’s important to understand that creating stories about ourselves and the world around us is a natural, instinctive process of the brain. Our minds constantly try to make sense of the complex environment we live in by organizing experiences into coherent narratives. This storytelling helps us predict what might happen next, make decisions, and navigate social situations.
This process is adaptive—without it, the world would feel chaotic and confusing. However, sometimes the stories we create are incomplete or inaccurate, leading us to misunderstand situations or ourselves. When these stories become negative or false, they can cause more pain than good. That’s why it’s crucial for us to be aware of this natural tendency and learn to manage it consciously.
The False Stories That Hold Us Back
Have you ever caught yourself thinking, “I’m not good enough,” or “I always mess things up,” or “No one really values me”? These are examples of the stories we tell ourselves that aren’t based on fact but on fear, doubt, or past disappointments. Such stories shape how we approach daily challenges—making us hesitate to speak up at work, avoid trying new things, or withdraw from relationships.
For example, imagine someone who failed at a presentation once and now believes, “I’m terrible at public speaking.” This story might stop them from taking future opportunities, limiting their growth and confidence.
How False Stories Impact Our Relationships and Communication
These negative internal stories don’t just affect how we see ourselves—they also impact how we connect with others. When we carry beliefs like “I’m not worthy,” or “People don’t like me,” we may interpret neutral or ambiguous behaviors from others as confirmation of those stories.
Imagine you send a message to a friend and they don’t respond quickly. Instead of considering they might be busy, your story might tell you, “They’re ignoring me because they don’t care.” This interpretation can lead to hurt feelings, withdrawal, or unnecessary conflict.
Or in the workplace, if a colleague gives constructive feedback, someone with a negative self-story might read it as a personal attack or proof they’re failing, rather than as an opportunity to learn. This can cause communication breakdowns, mistrust, and isolation.
These misunderstandings often stem from our emotional “story” rather than the reality of the situation. When our false stories shape how we decode others’ words and actions, it undermines our relationships and makes honest communication more difficult.
Rewriting Our Stories
Rising Strong offers a powerful way to break free from these limiting beliefs through three key steps:
The Reckoning — First, we pause and honestly recognize what we’re feeling. Instead of pushing away feelings like shame, disappointment, or jealousy, we acknowledge them. For example, “I feel hurt because I think I’m being ignored.”
The Rumble — Next, we challenge the story. We ask ourselves: Is it really true that my friend doesn’t care? Could there be another explanation? This step encourages curiosity and reduces assumptions, helping us see situations more clearly.
The Revolution — Finally, we rewrite the story. Instead of “They don’t care about me,” we might say, “Maybe they’re busy or distracted; that doesn’t change how much I matter.” This new story supports healthier communication and emotional resilience.
Real-Life Confidence and Connection
Practicing this process improves not only self-confidence but also our ability to relate to others. When we stop letting false stories dictate our responses, we become better listeners, more patient communicators, and more open to understanding others’ perspectives.
For example, after rewriting their story, a person might approach a misunderstood text with curiosity instead of anger, leading to a constructive conversation rather than conflict. This strengthens trust and deepens relationships.
We can also use our newfound awareness of “the story I tell myself” as a tool when communicating our feelings to others, especially in potentially confronting conversations. By clearly expressing “the story I tell myself” —while sharing our own thoughts and emotions rather than accusing or blaming—we can help defuse tension and give others a clearer understanding of where we’re coming from. This approach fosters empathy and opens the door to more constructive dialogue.
Takeaway
The stories we tell ourselves shape our reality, but they don’t have to trap us or damage our connections. By learning to recognize, question, and rewrite these narratives, we can rise strong from setbacks, improve how we communicate, and build genuine self-confidence and healthier relationships.
Remember, storytelling is a natural part of how our brain works—it helps us make sense of the world. But when our stories cause pain or hold us back, it’s up to us to be aware and manage them with care. So next time you catch a negative story running through your mind, remember Brené Brown’s approach: reckon with it, rumble with it, and revolutionize it.
Practical Tips to Apply “The Story I Tell Myself” Approach
1. Pause and Reflect Before Reacting
When you notice a strong emotional reaction—anger, sadness, frustration—pause and ask yourself: What story am I telling myself right now? Try to identify the narrative behind your feelings. This can help you see if your story is based on facts or assumptions.
2. Write It Down
Journaling your thoughts and feelings can clarify the story you’re telling yourself. Writing helps externalize your internal narrative, making it easier to challenge negative or false stories and rewrite them more realistically and kindly.
3. Test Your Story
Ask yourself questions like: Is this story 100% true? Could there be another explanation? What evidence do I have? This helps loosen rigid thinking and opens the door to alternative, more balanced perspectives.
4. Use “I” Statements When Communicating
When talking with others, frame your feelings and thoughts as your own story. For example: “The story I’m telling myself is that you might be upset with me because you didn’t reply to my message.” This invites conversation without blaming, helping reduce defensiveness and misunderstanding.
5. Reframe Negative Stories
If your story is harsh or self-critical, practice rewriting it with compassion and encouragement. For example, change “I always mess things up” to “Sometimes I make mistakes, but I’m learning and growing.”
6. Share Your Story to Build Connection
Opening up about your internal story with trusted friends or family can deepen relationships. It invites empathy and shows vulnerability, which encourages others to share their stories too.
Using these tips regularly can help you become more aware of the stories you tell yourself, improve your self-confidence, and foster healthier communication and connections with others.
References:
Brené Brown, Rising Strong, 2015. https://brenebrown.com/book/rising-strong/
Netfilx, Brené Brown: The Call to Courage, 2019, Documentary/TedTalk
