Overcoming Self-Criticism

A Path to Confidence, Clarity, and Connection
Using Self-Determination Theory to Strengthen Self-Esteem and Decision-Making

Many people struggle with self-doubt and self-criticism, and often, these feelings aren’t random—they are deeply rooted in past experiences. One common origin lies in childhood dynamics, especially when a person grows up with parents who were highly critical or rarely validating. Over time, this external criticism becomes internalized as a harsh inner voice, constantly questioning one’s worth, abilities, and decisions. This voice can become so normal that it's hard to recognize how much it impacts daily life.

Theoretical Perspective: Where Does Self-Criticism Come From?

According to developmental and attachment psychology, our early relationships play a key role in shaping our self-concept. When parents or caregivers frequently criticize or fail to affirm a child’s efforts, the child may internalize the belief that they are not good enough or that love and approval must be earned. These beliefs can evolve into a persistent pattern of self-criticism, especially under stress or when faced with important decisions.

This chronic self-doubt often manifests in behavioral patterns like procrastination, avoidance, or excessive dependence on others for direction. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy: fearing failure, we hesitate or avoid taking action—then interpret that hesitation as proof we’re incapable. In relationships, this can lead to aligning with more dominant or controlling partners, which temporarily soothes the discomfort of decision-making, but often causes long-term frustration and resentment.

The Self-Determination Theory Lens

Self-Determination Theory (SDT), developed by Deci & Ryan, helps us understand how these patterns interfere with psychological wellbeing. According to SDT, three basic needs must be met for people to thrive:

• Competence: Feeling effective and capable.

• Autonomy: Feeling able to make choices that reflect your true self.

• Relatedness: Feeling connected, understood, and valued by others.

Let’s see how self-criticism disrupts each of these needs:

• Competence: Constant self-doubt undermines confidence. Even small setbacks are viewed as failures, reinforcing the belief of inadequacy.

• Autonomy: Fear of making the “wrong” choice leads to avoidance or deferring to others. Actions are guided by fear, not values.

• Relatedness: Relationships suffer when self-worth depends on meeting others’ expectations. Assertiveness and authenticity take a backseat to appeasement or people-pleasing.

Practical Examples and How to Apply the Theory

Case Example: Imagine someone who was frequently told as a child, “You always mess things up.” As an adult, they now feel paralyzed when faced with making a decision at work, fearing they'll disappoint their boss. Instead of voicing an idea, they stay silent, later criticizing themselves for not speaking up. This erodes their sense of competence and autonomy, and over time, they may feel disconnected from colleagues or resentful of their role.

How to Shift the Pattern:

• Reframe self-talk: Start noticing the inner critic. When it says, “You’ll fail,” practice responding with a more balanced statement: “I’m learning, and trying is a sign of strength.”

• Make low-risk autonomous choices: Build confidence by practicing decision-making in low-pressure contexts—like planning a solo day trip or choosing a personal project.

• Seek validating relationships: Surround yourself with people who respect your input and encourage growth—not those who dominate or control.

• Use values to guide actions: Clarify what truly matters to you (e.g., creativity, connection, learning), and try aligning decisions with those values instead of fear of judgment.

• Practice self-compassion: Replace harsh internal language with kindness. Studies by Kristin Neff show that self-compassion increases motivation and reduces anxiety—contrary to the belief that being tough on yourself “helps you improve.”

How This Improves Self-Esteem and Goal-Oriented Behavior

When you begin to meet your psychological needs—feeling capable, autonomous, and connected—your sense of self-worth naturally grows. This reduces the power of the inner critic and allows for more confident decision-making, healthier boundaries, and greater persistence in reaching goals.

You stop defining your worth by perfection or others’ approval, and instead, you begin to trust your own voice. Goals become clearer because they reflect your values—not your fears. And challenges become less overwhelming because your self-esteem is no longer so fragile.

In Summary: Rewiring the Inner Landscape

Working through self-doubt and self-criticism isn’t about becoming perfect or never struggling again. It’s about reconnecting to your strengths, acknowledging your worth, and choosing a path of compassionate self-leadership. When we stop trying to “fix” ourselves and instead nurture what’s already strong, we create the psychological safety needed to grow.

Try this today:

• Name one strength you’ve shown this week.

• Make one decision based on what matters to you, not what you fear.

• Say one kind thing to yourself when the inner critic gets loud.

This is the work. And it’s worth doing—because your voice, your choices, and your presence in the world matter.

References:

- Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). The "what" and "why" of goal pursuits: Human needs and the self-determination of behavior. Psychological Inquiry, 11(4), 227–268. https://doi.org/10.1207/S15327965PLI1104_01

- Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298860309032

- Neff, K. D., & Germer, C. K. (2013). A pilot study and randomized controlled trial of the mindful self-compassion program. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 69(1), 28–44. https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.21923

- Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2017). Self-determination theory: Basic psychological needs in motivation, development, and wellness. Guilford Press.

- VIA Institute on Character. (n.d.). Explore the 24 character strengths. VIA Character. https://www.viacharacter.org/character-strengths

- Gilbert, P. (2009). The compassionate mind: A new approach to life's challenges. Constable & Robinson.